Broken Dreams

Last night – I had a dream.

In my dream, we were preparing to renew our wedding vows.  I had put on my wedding dress – which still fit (so I know for sure I was dreaming) and we were waiting for our guests to arrive.  He looked so handsome in his tux and we were both beaming, excited to renew our vows and renew our commitment to each other.  We knew the past few years had been hard, but we were looking forward to beginning anew – a stronger commitment to each other and to the Lord.  I felt loved, wanted, treasured, safe, and beautiful.  And then…

I woke up.

When I awoke, my eyes were wet and I realized that I had been crying in my sleep.  My heart was filled with grief for what I don’t have, what I never had, and mostly likely will never experience.

I am determined not to remarry, I believe that this isn’t in my future.  It isn’t because I’m extra tough or a strong feminist type.  It isn’t because I’m not attracted to the opposite sex.  And it certainly isn’t because I want to be alone.  I believe that the Lord has told me that I will remain single (for now anyways) and the truth is, I don’t want to go through that kind of pain, fear, disappointment and heartache.  Ever. Never. Again!

I choose what I believe is best for my kids.  I choose what I believe is best for me.  Most importantly, I choose what I believe the Lord has for me – singleness.  It isn’t what I would have chosen for myself.  It isn’t what I had hoped my life would look like – but it is what I have.

I had made a vow to the Lord several months ago that I wasn’t going to grieve or lament after that which I didn’t have, including a husband and father for my girls.  If my dream has shown me anything – it is that deep down within the very depths of my soul, I still grieve.  On the outside, I look like I have it all together.  For the most part…I do because it is the Lord who holds it together for me.  But, deep down inside – I am sad for my children an myself because we are broken.

My children’s father is in prison.  My desire to be a wife didn’t work out, having to work full-time outside of the home wasn’t what I had wanted for my children.  Going to parent-teacher conferences, my children’s concerts and activities by myself wasn’t what I had planned on. Life for me isn’t cookie cutter perfect.

Even though I have broken dreams, I have an amazing life.  I have hope, peace, and real joy.  My greatest desire is to help other single moms realize that it is possible to have these things – even with broken dreams and imperfect lives.

I know I won’t become a viral sensation, but if I can help encourage a mom who is struggling as a single mother – then THAT will be enough.  I want my broken life and broken family to used for good and for God’s glory.  I am a thriving single mom.  Not because I am perfect, but because I allow Jesus to perfect me – to work in my life and to make my brokenness whole.  That is why I thrive.  That is why I love exactly where I am.

Hebrews 10:14 – For by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.

 

 

 

 

 

Life After a Non-Traditional Student Graduates

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11

Here I am, 38 years old and finally a college graduate!  Now what?

I have been asking myself this for the past several days.  I have been working towards this goal for the past 4 years.  To accomplish this goal, I had to go to school for 3 semesters a year.  Spring, summer and fall…so it has been a constant in my life for 4 years.  It gave me something to work for, a purpose – more than the usual day to day of going to work and caring for my kids.  I am finding myself empty right now, relieved – but empty.

I thought that after school, I would begin to look for my “dream” job.  However, I have become attached to my co-workers and the place that I work.  The schedule works out REALLY well for my children, I get home only a little over an hour from when they are out of school.  I have some flexibility where I am currently at, which is really important as a single mom.  I have some sick time and some vacation time – more than most moms in my situation.

The thought of ministry keeps coming to mind.  I have always wanted to help other single moms because when I felt that I needed some help and encouragement –  I found it lacking.  That was over a decade ago, is this something that is still needed today?

As you can see, I am struggling.  I guess I sort of thought that I would have it all figured out when I finally arrived at this point, but I don’t.  I might be even be more confused about my future now than I was BEFORE I started college!

I obviously don’t have a clear picture of what my future will look like now, but I do know that there is one constant in my life that will never change and that is the fact that God is in control.  He knows the desires of my heart.  He knows what is best for me and my little family.  He has a plan for me and even if it hasn’t been revealed yet, I know he has one.  And for now, that will have to be enough.

For now, I feel led to continue writing to single moms and to have an encouraging presence on social media.  I know that being a single mom – especially as a Christian, can feel lonely.  Who knows, maybe I will write a book and get to do all the things I had hoped for when I became a single mom.  Whatever the road I take, as long as the Lord is walking beside me, then I will know it is good.

He has plans for me.  Plans not to harm me…but to give me a hope and a future.  That sounds pretty good to me.